Anger

I recently came across a quote that I really needed to hear. It said "For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace." I've been angry and lonely the past few months. And yesterday it seemed to hit me as to why.

It's been well over a year since we received Jackson's autism diagnosis. A few months later we received Kyle's. Just a few months ago we received Kyle's ADD diagnosis. And we are now in the process of having Kyle evaluated for learning disabilities. I naively believed that once we received those papers signed from a clinical psychiatrist, all kinds of doors would be open to us. Doors that would include therapists and specialists. I was so wrong.

We didn't qualify for state funding. Despite the diagnosis, they didn't consider them sever enough to warrant intervention. Yesterday I learned that our insurance doesn't cover autism therapies. And that is when I got really angry.

Autism isn't something that can be cured, it isn't something Jackson and Kyle chose either. They didn't do anything to deserve this. They are still babies. (Okay, not really but they are my babies) I fully understand that there are people who are dealing with way more that we are. But I am still angry that no one seems to want to help my kids. Unless I pay for it. And it isn't cheap.

Life isn't fair. I know this, I understand this and I accept this. But this whole situation is more than just unfair, it's wrong. And it makes me angry. It makes me angry that I have to fight so hard to get my boys what they need and deserve. It makes me mad that I have to fight for them in every aspect of their life. From school, to church, to regular social situations. Even family time. Everything is a fight and it makes me angry.

I spent a great deal of time yesterday in tears. And I mean the ugly, sobbing, uncontrollable tears. My sweet husband offered to come home from work. But I really didn't want him to see me like that. I felt silly and stupid and alone. I felt anger like I never really had before. And that is when I had my "ah-ha" moment.

I was looking at Austin's phone and reading his messages (Which he knows we do, that is why he gets to keep it.) Anyway, he was talking to a friend about how awesome his brothers are. All of them. He mentioned how he likes being the oldest and he told his friend how proud he was of Jackson and Kyle. And that is where I stopped. And cried some more. But these were different tears.

It's amazing how in this journey of motherhood I have learned more from my kids than I could ever possibly teach them. They amaze me every day. Austin reminded me how amazing Jackson and Kyle are. They are worth the fight. But nothing is worth the anger.

 I am so grateful these kids picked me to be their mom. I am more proud of them then I could ever fully express. They are compassionate, sympathetic, good-hearted kids. It isn't because of what their dad and I have taught them, it's just who they are. And because of that I will keep fighting for them and teaching them to fight for themselves and for each other. I really hope they continue to teach me to let go of anger.