Why I Quit Facebook

I'm pretty sure no one reads my blog anymore. But I've decided to start back up with it. And mostly because I've quit Facebook. It's something I've considered doing for awhile but never really had the guts to do. But it became time for me to walk away. I have a real problem comparing myself to others. I could blame it on the whole "special needs mom" thing but really it's because I have a really bad habit of comparing myself to someone else's highlight reel. Facebook is an awesome place to show off your adorable kids, gorgeous home,  perfect haircut or whatever. But day to day life really isn't about any of those things. And I need to focus on fixing me. And I can't fix me if I'm constantly down on myself because there were hardly any presents under my Christmas tree or because my autistic kid ram out of class again and doesn't behave as perfectly as someone else's kid. Maybe someday I'll go back. But now is not the time. I how some people will come and find me here!

California Dreaming

We took a very quick trip to the Bay Area with my mom to pick up my grandma. These are some of my favorite photos from the trip....

My boys visiting my grandpa

My mom and Collin at the cemetery. Collin was born very shortly after my grandpa passed away so there is a special connection there. Love this tender moment.

 Had to take a picture of this sculpture. Lightning struck this tree and they were going to remove it. But an artist asked if he could create something beautiful instead. Isn't it amazing?!

 Jackson LOVED riding the ferry from Alameda to San Francisco.

 The boys loved seeing these huge ships.

 Love this city!

 Port of San Francisco

At the beach :)

I really love San Francisco

No visit would be complete without a stop to see the sea lions!

The "D" Word

 Lately I seem to be stuck in an ocean. Some days I am just relaxing and enjoying the sun and the gentle roll of the waves. And other days, unfortunately most days, it feels like I am lost at sea being tossed around by waves and barely able to hold my head above water. I have found myself blaming my circumstances a lot. I have started shutting people out. I've convinced myself that people don't like me or don't understand me or don't appreciate the magnitude of what I am going through. Last night, I was laying in bed around 6:30 and the waves were over my head. I was drowning in a sea of despair. Sobs were uncontrollable. I knew I needed help. Like serious help.

Life sucks sometimes. That's just the way it is. You can read all the inspirational crap out there that you want, it won't change anything. So what can you change? Only the things you have control over. Which, most of the time, is your own attitude. (At least in my case)

People are going to be mean, rude, insensitive and just plain awful. So what can you do about it? Lately, I've been giving people like that all the control. Letting them convince me that I am not worth it, that I don't matter. But guess what? I have spent so much time focused on that garbage that I have missed all the amazing people who DO think I matter. Who DO think I am worth it. What a waste, huh? Maybe I was convinced that some of these "haters" (does that make me sound younger?!) SHOULD care about me. For whatever reason I thought they should have my back.

I know I have started to lash out at the very people that do have my back. That always have. And I need to apologize for that. I hope you know who you are. I hope you know how much it means to me that you put up with my moodiness, that you try your best to help with my kids, that you worry about me when I miss church or that you send me a random message out of the blue. There have been times where I have felt like you were the only person who cared. And then I realized that someone else did too. And then someone else, etc.

We all walk through dark hours, days or even years. Some of us struggle with things that are hard to talk about (For me it's depression. There I said it!). And sometimes all it takes is the simplest gesture to remind us that we aren't alone. That maybe our army is smaller than we hoped, but that we still have one. Be someone's army. Lift someone up. You may not realize how desperately they need it. If they try and push you away, try again.

Depression is an ugly thing. It hurts. It has a stigma. It is lonely. It is ugly. But I am determined to not let it run my life, dictate my days.

I came to this conclusion last night as the sobs and waves tried to take me under. I had to fight them off. And it wasn't easy. And I am sure I will have to do it again. But I will....thanks to my army!

Emergency Preparedness

It's been almost a week since one of our little guys was admitted to the hospital. This experience taught me a few things about being prepared that I really had never considered before. Emergency preparedness is not just for huge, natural disaster type emergencies. It is for any time you and your family hit a bump in the road that is life. Let me explain:
1. Keep your house clean: Jackson was admitted to the hospital Monday and I had been home with sick kids since Friday. My house was a mess. By the time we were finally able to come home I was emotionally and physically tired. And it was beyond depressing to walk into such a mess. My sweet hubby tried cleaning up but between running kids back and forth and running to the hospital, it just didn't happen.
2. Freezer meals: I have always thought about making a bunch of meals to keep in my freezer for those busy nights where I needed a quick, easy dinner. This experience made me wish I had already done so. A nice meal would have been awesome to come home to. Especially since we hadn't eaten much in the past few days. Which leads me to my next point....
3. Extra Cash: We are paycheck to paycheck people. And we are cash people, meaning we don't use credit cards. After we paid the hospital co-pay, we didn't have much cash on hand left. When your kid is in the hospital, they can eat whatever they want. But you have to buy food. So, I didn't eat much.
4. "Go" Bags: I always thought of 72-hour kits as being necessary for a disaster. I wish I had one put together so poor Travis didn't have to try and find everything I needed for an unexpected hospital stay in his emotional and exhausted state. It just would have been easier if he could grab a small bag full of what I would need.
5. And this last one doesn't have much to do with emergency preparedness but it's good to know....dehydration happens really fast. Jackson started throwing up Saturday and within 2 days was hospitalized withe extreme dehydration. It got dangerous really fast. I am glad I followed my gut and took him in.

Lesson learned

Yesterday one of my kids made a pretty big mistake! I was mad. I yelled and screamed as I hurriedly tried to clean up the mess that his choice had created. He sat in his room crying. I pretended not to notice. Once the situation was controlled, I walked past his room again. This time I noticed. I noticed this small, sweet little boy sobbing. Was he upset because he was in trouble? I knew that wasn't it. I hurt him. Yes, he made a mistake and he needed to be held accountable. But did I need to react the way I did? Nope.

 I directed my older kids to finish up for me and I went and sat next to my broken, little boy. With tears rolling down my cheeks I told him how sorry I was for the way I acted. He apologized for making me so mad. My heart broke even more! I had, placed in front of me, an incredible teaching opportunity. I could teach him how to handle the effects of a mistake. Instead, I had him scared and alone and feeling unloved. And it wasn't okay.

 We all make mistakes. And the one he made wasn't that big of a deal. I had to come to the realization of what I wanted him to learn from his mistakes. After offering a silent prayer, I told him that we all make choices. Every day we make thousands of choices. We can control what we choose to do. We can't, however, choose the consequences of our choices. Some consequences are minor and don't seem to matter. But some consequences matter. They can be hard. They can hurt people. They can be expensive. Whatever the consequence may be, we have to accept it because we made the choice. I have no idea if my 6-year-old really understood what I was trying so desperately to explain. One thing I know for sure is that when my kids do make a mistake, because we all know they will make plenty, I want them to take responsibility for their mistake. I want them to own it. I want them to learn from it. And I want them to remember that they are never alone. I pointed out to this little boy how quickly everyone in the house came running to help. We all wanted to make the situation better for him. We couldn't change the outcome but we can help lessen the blow. That's what families should do.

So yesterday was a tough day. But we made it through just fine! I'm hoping today we all make better choices!

This is why I hate Valentine's Day....

 I've never been a fan of Valentine's Day but it seems like we, as a society, have gone a little crazy over this "holiday." I would prefer my husband not spend $30.00+ on flowers, plus another 5 bucks for a card and I have no idea how much those boxes of chocolates cost! You know how I know he loves me?! Even though he has been sick he came home from work last night and made the boys dinner AND he cleaned it up. Why?! Because I wasn't feeling well. That's romantic. That means more than over-priced flowers.

And what is with all the presents and crap for kids?! I felt like the worse mom ever this morning as I was strolling through my Facebook news feed. I didn't get my kids new clothes or toys or boxes of candy and balloons. Heck, I didn't even get up and make them heart shaped anything for breakfast! I did pour their cereal for them though. I hope they know I still love them even though I don't buy them crap for every little holiday. (And I really don't mean to offend the people that do. More power to you, I just don't have that kind of time or money!) Oh and we didn't do homemade Valentine's either. I bought them at Wal Mart and I complained about how much they cost for 2 weeks!

Maybe I'm just not a romantic. Heck, I know I'm not. But to me love is a verb, an action word. It's something you do, not something you buy.

Stepping off my soap box now....

Enjoy your day people. Show the people you love that you do, indeed, love them. But don't forget about the other 364 days of the year when you aren't obligated by some made up holiday to show love and affection for those in your life.

Gilbert Arizona Temple

When we moved back to Gilbert a few years ago, we were so excited to be so close to the site of the Gilbert Arizona Temple. It was so fun to drive by every once in awhile and check on the progress. It seemed like the it would take forever for it to be completed! What a special experience it has been to watch the process unfold....

 We feel so blessed to have a temple so close to our home. We have had amazing opportunities in helping with the open house process and Austin has the extra special opportunity to participate in the upcoming Temple Cultural Celebration. If you can, come and see the temple! The open house ends on Saturday, February 15th!

It's okay to not be okay

One of my New Year's resolutions was to get better at blogging! I started this blog as a way to document and record my families life and I have, unfortunately, been letting Facebook do that for me! You can't really get the whole story on Facebook so I want to make sure I record things here! Let's hope it gets better from here on out!

I have struggled with this particular post for awhile. Is this really something I want to put out there for everyone to see? What will they think of me? Will they see this as a cry for attention? Or will they find it inspiring? But late last night I decided it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. This is my "journal" and this is something I need to remember. 

The last few months have been really hard for me. I couldn't figure out what my problem was. Was it the stress of the holidays or what? But, after much thought, prayer and guidance I realized that this was more than a "rough patch." This was the big "D" word. You know the one....depression. The one subject people, like me, avoid discussing and avoid admitting. 

It's been ugly at times. I would crawl out of bed and put on my bravest face and head out the door to volunteer or attend to my church responsibilities. Only to find myself coming home after my to-do's were checked off, crawling back into bed and crying the day away. Or sleeping. Or both. I would pull myself together long enough to greet my kids after school, start dinner and wait for Travis to get home so I could go back to my room. 

I tried to adjust my thinking and  my attitude. I thought if I pretended to feel okay that I really would be okay. I figured maybe I needed to read my scriptures more or pray harder. Surely it was all my fault and I had to come up with a way to fix it.

But I am coming to realize that it's perfectly okay to not be okay. Life is hard. We all have unique challenges and obstacles to face. I am learning that comparing my struggles to someone else's is a waste of my time and energy. Just like trying to measure up to someone else's idea of success or strength is a waste of my own successes and strengths. 

I love this quote. We all have loads to carry. Some people just know how to carry their load without breaking themselves in the process. This is what I am hoping to learn. I want to carry my load better than I have been doing. This is my goal for 2014. Wish me luck!

These are my confessions....

For the last, oh year or so, I've been struggling. It took me awhile to pinpoint what exactly the struggle was but, after a complete emotional breakdown yesterday and this morning, I think I've figured it out. And here it is: I am not okay with trying to be what I think I should be. Yep. That's it. Maybe it's the Mormon culture or maybe it is just what my idea was, but I am not a perfect wife, mother, sister, daughter or friend. And you know what? I'm learning to be okay with that. I have tried for a long time to play the role I thought I was suppose to play to make other people happy or to make people like me. I'm not doing it anymore. This is me....you can take it or leave it. And I will try really hard to not let your decision and judgement of me bother me. Because that is really what the problem has been. I have been so concerned with what everyone else thought, I couldn't be true to me. So I am going to put it all out there. This is me:

-I like football. A lot. I am completely content to spend my Thursday nights, Saturdays and Sundays in front of the TV watching whatever game happens to be on.
-I hate cleaning. Luckily I also hate having a messy house so that forces me to clean.
-I like listening to Eminem.
-My kids aren't perfect and I can't stand people who pretend their kids are. They make mistakes and sometimes I find them annoying. But I love them with every fiber of my being, just like the "perfect" kids parents do. We make mistakes together and we learn and grow from each other.
-I hate peoples assumptions that all kids on medication are bad. I also hate people who think only terrible parents put their kids on medication. Yeah, I studied it out and did my research too. Thanks for posting that article on Facebook though. And while we are on the subject, I don't think vaccinations caused my twins to be autistic. So, no, I have no regrets there. Oh and all my boys are circumcised.
-I like being alone but hate feeling lonely.
-I often eat ice cream for breakfast.
-I think working out is dumb. But I do it anyway.
-I generally can't get through my day without a Diet Coke. All the cashiers at my local Circle K know me pretty well.
-I often kick my husband in bed when he starts snoring and then act like I'm asleep so he thinks it was an accident.
-I'm learning to be unapologetic for my standards. I've been "unfriended" on Facebook from members of my family based solely on my standards and their assumption that I am better than they are. I never said I was but if that's what you think....
-I'm learning to let go of my idea of perfection.
-I can't do it all and I'm not even sure I ever wanted to. But I have always had this belief that I needed to. So I am learning to let that go too.
-I ALWAYS have a secret candy stash in my house.
-I have few friends that know the "real" me. But I am grateful beyond measure for them. They have sustained me through some of my deepest trials.
-I am fiercely competitive. Which is part of the reason we aren't one of those "family game night" families.
-I am very shy....until you get to know me. I think sometimes my shyness is mistake for being rude. And I really do feel bad about that. I try to be more outgoing but I don't really know how. It bugs me because I find myself getting really down about it.
-I am very insecure.
-I still love New Kids on the Block and Bon Jovi.
-I've always wanted to learn to play the piano.

There is so much more, but you get the idea. I want to be a better person, but for the right reasons. Not for acceptance on some social networking site or so I get the most "likes." I want to be a better person to help me gain a closer relationship with my Savior. I want a closer relationship with the important people in my life and I want to be less concerned about the others. I want to be kinder and less judgemental. I want to be the best me that I can be!

I suck at parenting! And blogging!

Yesterday one of my kids went to a church activity and got his feelings hurt because he felt left out. Of course it broke my heart and I wanted to fix it. But this isn't like fixing problems when my kids were younger. I cant kiss this kind of boo-boo, apply a band-aid and send them on their way!

We ended up leaving early and my heart was heavy. I know how he felt, I've been there. Heck, I am there. I don't have a large pool of friends and there are plenty of times I've had my feelings hurt. The more I stewed over the situation the more I realized what I needed to do.

I need to help my son develop the type of confidence needed to not let things like this affect him. I need to arm him with enough positive thoughts and good feelings that no one can hurt him like that. So my question is, how?! How do I help him develop that level on confidence?

We live in a crazy, social networking world. Self-esteem seems to be measured in how many Instagram followers you have or how many people "liked" your Facebook status. I am guilty of this! Why should I not expect my kid to be?! Have we become so infatuated with looking good that we have lost our ability to make ourselves feel good? Do we even know what makes us feel good anymore? Is it really how many virtual friends you have?

I obviously don't have the answer. But I do know that I need to be a better example to my kids. I need to unplug more and have real "face time." I need to praise them more when they deserve it and gently reprimand them when they need it. I need to learn to let things go so I can show them how. I need to be a better parent.

And I need to be better at blogging.....

Life Isn't Fair

We've all heard the expression "Life isn't fair." I've been thinking about those 3 words a lot lately. And I got to wondering, where did we get the idea that life should be fair?! You see, I'm kind of a downer. When life hands me lemons, I tend to suck on the lemon juice and wonder why everything is so sour. It's something I'm working to improve. But I still have a long way to go! Over the last few months I have witnessed some amazing people who have faced life's tragedies with beauty and grace. All the while, I've been in my own little bubble mourning my own trials.

 I am trying to find tender mercies in my life. I'm trying to see God's hand in my everyday life. Because I've tried doing it on my own and it hasn't always worked out.

Please take a few minutes to read this blog.http://matthewreespeters.blogspot.com/ This is a family who has every right to complain how unfair life is. Heck, I've complained for them. But they have shown me what it means to have faith. They are the most amazing family you will ever meet. Please pray for them.

And from now on, when life hands me lemons I plan to make the sweetest lemonade you've ever had!

Anger

I recently came across a quote that I really needed to hear. It said "For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace." I've been angry and lonely the past few months. And yesterday it seemed to hit me as to why.

It's been well over a year since we received Jackson's autism diagnosis. A few months later we received Kyle's. Just a few months ago we received Kyle's ADD diagnosis. And we are now in the process of having Kyle evaluated for learning disabilities. I naively believed that once we received those papers signed from a clinical psychiatrist, all kinds of doors would be open to us. Doors that would include therapists and specialists. I was so wrong.

We didn't qualify for state funding. Despite the diagnosis, they didn't consider them sever enough to warrant intervention. Yesterday I learned that our insurance doesn't cover autism therapies. And that is when I got really angry.

Autism isn't something that can be cured, it isn't something Jackson and Kyle chose either. They didn't do anything to deserve this. They are still babies. (Okay, not really but they are my babies) I fully understand that there are people who are dealing with way more that we are. But I am still angry that no one seems to want to help my kids. Unless I pay for it. And it isn't cheap.

Life isn't fair. I know this, I understand this and I accept this. But this whole situation is more than just unfair, it's wrong. And it makes me angry. It makes me angry that I have to fight so hard to get my boys what they need and deserve. It makes me mad that I have to fight for them in every aspect of their life. From school, to church, to regular social situations. Even family time. Everything is a fight and it makes me angry.

I spent a great deal of time yesterday in tears. And I mean the ugly, sobbing, uncontrollable tears. My sweet husband offered to come home from work. But I really didn't want him to see me like that. I felt silly and stupid and alone. I felt anger like I never really had before. And that is when I had my "ah-ha" moment.

I was looking at Austin's phone and reading his messages (Which he knows we do, that is why he gets to keep it.) Anyway, he was talking to a friend about how awesome his brothers are. All of them. He mentioned how he likes being the oldest and he told his friend how proud he was of Jackson and Kyle. And that is where I stopped. And cried some more. But these were different tears.

It's amazing how in this journey of motherhood I have learned more from my kids than I could ever possibly teach them. They amaze me every day. Austin reminded me how amazing Jackson and Kyle are. They are worth the fight. But nothing is worth the anger.

 I am so grateful these kids picked me to be their mom. I am more proud of them then I could ever fully express. They are compassionate, sympathetic, good-hearted kids. It isn't because of what their dad and I have taught them, it's just who they are. And because of that I will keep fighting for them and teaching them to fight for themselves and for each other. I really hope they continue to teach me to let go of anger.

The New Beth...

I am in competition with no one.

I run my own race. I have no

desire to play the game of being

better than anyone, in any way,

shape, or form. I just aim to

improve, to be better that I was

before. That's me and I'm free.

 

 

I saw this quote on Pinterest and fell in love with it. (I couldn't add the image of it for some weird reason.) Anyway, I have decided that I am going to adopt this as my new mantra! I think it sums up the kind of person I want to be perfectly. I am tired of comparing myself to other people and having that makes me feel inferior. I have been trying so hard lately to let things go. I have a tendency to take things really personally. I have a tendency to make a situation a bigger problem than it ever was. I have a need for other people's approval. And I have decided it all needs to stop. And it needs to stop now! I was recently hurt pretty bad by a rumor. (I am pretty sure it was a rumor) Either way, it has affected several relationships with people I thought were good friends. I let it affect me way more than I should have. I let it eat at me until it made me sick. Well, no more! I am living life for me! Wish me luck....I'll need it!!

Autism Parenting

I know it's been forever since I last posted. I plan to do a big "catch-up" eventually. But something has been wighing heavy on my heart for some time now. And I just need to get it out!

 It's been just over a year since we received Jackson's autism diagnosis. It really didn't surprise us much. I wasn't even all that surprised when we received Kyle's a few months later. But what I was not prepapred for was the affect it would have on me and my family. It has been a very frustrating year. It's been a very lonely and scary path. We found out, after months of waiting, that we don't qualify for state funding because the twins just aren't "autistic enough." Ever since that obnoxious lady spent 5 minutes at my house, I've been mad, angry, frustrated, sad and depressed. Parenting 2 autistic kids is the HARDEST thing I have ever had to deal with. I am constantly getting depressed and angry over the things I just can't do. I can't always be  the mom who does fun things with her kids. I have to say no....a lot. I am mad that my kids aren't all at the same school. I can't do Halloween parties and parades and I get so dang jealous at people who can. Even volunteering is complicated because of all the different schedules. I have other moms I can turn to but no one else has walked my exact path, just as I have never walked theirs. I sometimes feel so guilty wishing the twins were normal. I know it's terrible and makes me a bad person, but it would be so much easier. I am always tired and sad. I feel like I am consantly on edge. Mostly, I wish I could be the mom my other boys need and deserve. I feel like I let them down a lot and I know it isn't fair to them. I really try to pretend we can run with "normal" families. But it wears me down. Literally.

 We recently receieved an ADD diagnosis for Kyle and made the decision to put him on medication. It was the HARDEST deciscion we have ever made. The weeks surrounding that deciscion were so incrediebly hard. I really didn't tell anyone because I was so emberassed. I know what I have said in the past about people who medicated their kids. An, when I finally did tell people, I immediately felt judged. And it hurt. It was probably more my own perception, but it was still there. The advice and insinuations probably led to my feeling of being judged, even if they meant well.

The last few months have been so hard on me. I can't really pinpoint one major event. I just have felt more lonely than ever. I think it's mostly my own fault. I am pretty sure I have pushed people away. Maybe I thought it would be easier that way. I really don't know.

I am grateful for Jackson and Kyle. I'm even grateful for autism! It is making me a better person. I know it is making Austin and Collin even more amazing than they are. I think I just need t accept what is and let the rest go. It's a constant battle for me. But I think I am finally ready to do it.

Never Forget.

I have blogged about 9/11 every anniversary since I started my blog. The first one is here. And again here. And again.... There are a few more, but you get the idea. 9/11 is a day that I will always remember. It is a day I will teach my children about. It is a day that changed America. I really do try and stay out of politics on social media forms. But I just have to say how proud I am to be an American and how it would be nice to have a president who felt the same way. I love this country and I hope God will continue to bless our great nation.