It's okay to not be okay

One of my New Year's resolutions was to get better at blogging! I started this blog as a way to document and record my families life and I have, unfortunately, been letting Facebook do that for me! You can't really get the whole story on Facebook so I want to make sure I record things here! Let's hope it gets better from here on out!

I have struggled with this particular post for awhile. Is this really something I want to put out there for everyone to see? What will they think of me? Will they see this as a cry for attention? Or will they find it inspiring? But late last night I decided it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. This is my "journal" and this is something I need to remember. 

The last few months have been really hard for me. I couldn't figure out what my problem was. Was it the stress of the holidays or what? But, after much thought, prayer and guidance I realized that this was more than a "rough patch." This was the big "D" word. You know the one....depression. The one subject people, like me, avoid discussing and avoid admitting. 

It's been ugly at times. I would crawl out of bed and put on my bravest face and head out the door to volunteer or attend to my church responsibilities. Only to find myself coming home after my to-do's were checked off, crawling back into bed and crying the day away. Or sleeping. Or both. I would pull myself together long enough to greet my kids after school, start dinner and wait for Travis to get home so I could go back to my room. 

I tried to adjust my thinking and  my attitude. I thought if I pretended to feel okay that I really would be okay. I figured maybe I needed to read my scriptures more or pray harder. Surely it was all my fault and I had to come up with a way to fix it.

But I am coming to realize that it's perfectly okay to not be okay. Life is hard. We all have unique challenges and obstacles to face. I am learning that comparing my struggles to someone else's is a waste of my time and energy. Just like trying to measure up to someone else's idea of success or strength is a waste of my own successes and strengths. 

I love this quote. We all have loads to carry. Some people just know how to carry their load without breaking themselves in the process. This is what I am hoping to learn. I want to carry my load better than I have been doing. This is my goal for 2014. Wish me luck!