The "D" Word

 Lately I seem to be stuck in an ocean. Some days I am just relaxing and enjoying the sun and the gentle roll of the waves. And other days, unfortunately most days, it feels like I am lost at sea being tossed around by waves and barely able to hold my head above water. I have found myself blaming my circumstances a lot. I have started shutting people out. I've convinced myself that people don't like me or don't understand me or don't appreciate the magnitude of what I am going through. Last night, I was laying in bed around 6:30 and the waves were over my head. I was drowning in a sea of despair. Sobs were uncontrollable. I knew I needed help. Like serious help.

Life sucks sometimes. That's just the way it is. You can read all the inspirational crap out there that you want, it won't change anything. So what can you change? Only the things you have control over. Which, most of the time, is your own attitude. (At least in my case)

People are going to be mean, rude, insensitive and just plain awful. So what can you do about it? Lately, I've been giving people like that all the control. Letting them convince me that I am not worth it, that I don't matter. But guess what? I have spent so much time focused on that garbage that I have missed all the amazing people who DO think I matter. Who DO think I am worth it. What a waste, huh? Maybe I was convinced that some of these "haters" (does that make me sound younger?!) SHOULD care about me. For whatever reason I thought they should have my back.

I know I have started to lash out at the very people that do have my back. That always have. And I need to apologize for that. I hope you know who you are. I hope you know how much it means to me that you put up with my moodiness, that you try your best to help with my kids, that you worry about me when I miss church or that you send me a random message out of the blue. There have been times where I have felt like you were the only person who cared. And then I realized that someone else did too. And then someone else, etc.

We all walk through dark hours, days or even years. Some of us struggle with things that are hard to talk about (For me it's depression. There I said it!). And sometimes all it takes is the simplest gesture to remind us that we aren't alone. That maybe our army is smaller than we hoped, but that we still have one. Be someone's army. Lift someone up. You may not realize how desperately they need it. If they try and push you away, try again.

Depression is an ugly thing. It hurts. It has a stigma. It is lonely. It is ugly. But I am determined to not let it run my life, dictate my days.

I came to this conclusion last night as the sobs and waves tried to take me under. I had to fight them off. And it wasn't easy. And I am sure I will have to do it again. But I will....thanks to my army!