I have something heavy on my heart today. I wasn't going to blog about it but the more I thought about it the more I thought I needed to. We had to postpone Collin's THIRD birthday party because of the weather. It's been snowing like crazy all day and I love my family too much to ask them to risk life and limb to drive over. We will celebrate later in the week. So, since I don't have pictures from that to post about, I will share what is on my heart. I honestly have no idea who really reads my blog. I know I have some friends and family who stop by on a regular basis. Please be mindful when/if you decide to comment. I am not blaming anyone for what happened. I just need to express my feelings.
Here it goes...
I mentioned in an earlier post that the twins recently started Sunbeams. I have been stressing over this for months! Literally! The twins have some pretty significant developmental delays. And this causes me much worry. Will they get made fun of? Will they be able to adapt to new situations? What happens if they struggle with a situation? They barely talk and they have a really hard time dealing with stressful situations. With all that said, today was a struggle. Our church meets for 3 hours! The first hour (plus a little) is spent in a chapel where we sit with our families. The 2nd hour the younger kids meet together in a meeting called Sharing Time. The last hour they spend in their individual classes. I decided it would be best to stay with the twins during Sharing Time because they were not happy about being there. Kyle eventually settled down a little but poor Jack was struggling. Someone came in dressed as an ancient prophet. For some reason, this really scared them. They were both crying and so someone asked if I wanted to take them out. So I did. And then I lost it. Not really because they asked if I wanted to take them out but because I had to take them out. I guess I realized that nothing with these two will ever be easy. And I also realized that I really don't know what is best for them. I am so overwhelmed because I just want them to go to class and love it. I want Sunday's to be a nice, relaxing day not one full of stress and frustration. I would love to say that the reason I was upset was someone else's fault, but it's not. It was mine. I overreacted and I stressed myself out. And I am sure I didn't make things any easier for the twins. I don't have all the answers. I don't know what the right thing to do is. And I hate it! It's humbling (and who enjoys being humbled?!). I really don't like to admit that I need help or that there is a situation I can't handle. And today that arrogance slapped me in the face!
Tomorrow we are taking the twins to meet their new doctor. I have asked for Jackson to be evaluated for autism. I am afraid of what they will tell me. As I have researched, there are some things that really fit and make perfect sense and yell "JACKSON!" Then again, there are things that don't. This has been weighing heavy on my mind and, coupled with my experience today, has totally kicked my behind! I just need answers. How do I help them? What do they need from me? What do they need me to stop doing for them? It's a whole new world of insecurities and doubts that I have never had to enter before.
People have repeatedly told me that they will grow out of it or that they will develop when they are ready. I finally had to listen to my heart and admit to myself that they might not.
Again, please be sensitive when leaving a comment. I don't really want to hear that everything will be fine or that I am doing a great job.
Stay tuned...life could just really be starting to get interesting!
6 comments:
It is okay to be stressed and worry; it is your job as a parent. Be patient and wait to see what the doctor has to say. In our ward, we do have a child with Autism and they have called a sister in the ward to be his primary buddy. She goes to class with him, takes him out when he needs a break, walks with him and he is doing great. His parents are less stressed. Ask for help when you need it and don't be afraid. You're amazing to admit you don't have the answers. Good luck.
I love you!
Hey Beth, I know you don't want to hear it will be okay or that you are doing a good job, but it is the fact that you stress and worry and re-examine all of this that makes you an EXCEPTIONAL parent!! I have not walked in your shoes exactly, but I know I want only the best of what I have to give to Chloe and there are days when I really question what that is and if I am really delivering. We are not perfect, but because we question and check and rethink in these moments we ARE being the best possible parents we can be!! It is gut wrenching to suspect or learn that our children might have some special needs/issues, BUT there is a huge comfort in being able to wrap your arms around a defined issue...your inner strength will surface with a vengeance and you will again feel like you are being the wonderful Mother that you are as you begin to make forward progress on something that has troubled you for a while now. My heart feels very heavy thinking about how you must feel. Use your faith, family and friends to reassure yourself! I don't know if you are embarking on a journey no one ever anticipated or not, but I do know where ever the path takes you it is for solid reasons and that you are good and strong and meant to take that journey. Also know that there are many of us who love you, admire you, support you and want to be there to help in any way that we can! (Besides if the journey was easy that would be boring and what would there be to blog about??? :-) )
I am going to try really hard not to leave you a novel but well this is me we are talking about! From the moment Ivan was born, I knew something wasn't quite right. I didn't want to admit it. I was in major DENIAL. I would say oh he is just a wild child or blame it on his age, or being the youngest...but when he wasn't quite three, we were in nursery. He wouldn't talk to the other kids, or to me. He didn't play with anyone. He hardly spoke more than 2 or 3 words. He would point or scream to tell me what he wanted. I had people ask me if I had ever had him tested for autism. I was so offended, "there is nothing wrong with my child"...but deep down I knew. You know how much I love Ben, but I was so frustrated with him because once I had accepted that there was a problem, he still wouldn't. After going to the doctor and realizing Ivan had some delays, I started the process of trying to get a diagnosis. I thought that would make everything better because I would know how to deal with him. But the answers didn't come like that. They are STILL coming as we learn with each new situation. When you find out that "something is wrong" with your child, you will go through the stages of grief. You are mourning for the child that you thought you had. You have to go through these. So here are my suggestions and feel free to email me if you want.I will also email you my # so you can call or text if you want. First, we are always told not to compare our children but, think of what Austin & Collin were doing at the same age. What are the differences? What milestones do you think they haven't made? Record things that happen during the day that you question. 2nd: keep them on a schedule. I know it can be hard with older kids and their schedules, but when they know what to expect they do better. Keep everything the same as much as you can. As they get older, you can be a little less strict but for now keep it as structured as you can. Remember their diet can have a huge effect on behavior. When Ivan is acting up, I always make sure to feed him. Listen to the doctors, ask questions. But remember YOU are with the twins every day. The doctor isn't. You know what is going on. We are given mothers intuition for a reason. If you don't think the dr. is listening/not understanding you, go to a different one. Take one day at a time. You will have good days, you will have bad days. Do the best that you can do. I love you and I know what you are going through. If there is ever anything you need, I am here.
Ohhh, Beth, Big hugs from AZ!! Wish I could send some warm sunshine your way to have your party!! (((HUGS))) for your dilemma. That would be so frustrating, and hard. As parents we want to be able to fix everything, and at times we CANT!! Grrr!!! And, humbling experiences are NEVER fun, and super hard to get through. That is how I felt while Jake was in the hospital...useless...and not able to help my baby...and having to trust doctors and just pray for help and strength. I will keep you in my prayers. Knowing other people were praying for me made me feel a bit better...Love you!!
I hope you are doing okay. There are few situations more challenging and the grace with which you are handling this is amazing. You'll be in my prayers... as will your boys.
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