I know it's been forever since I last posted. I plan to do a big "catch-up" eventually. But something has been wighing heavy on my heart for some time now. And I just need to get it out!
It's been just over a year since we received Jackson's autism diagnosis. It really didn't surprise us much. I wasn't even all that surprised when we received Kyle's a few months later. But what I was not prepapred for was the affect it would have on me and my family. It has been a very frustrating year. It's been a very lonely and scary path. We found out, after months of waiting, that we don't qualify for state funding because the twins just aren't "autistic enough." Ever since that obnoxious lady spent 5 minutes at my house, I've been mad, angry, frustrated, sad and depressed. Parenting 2 autistic kids is the HARDEST thing I have ever had to deal with. I am constantly getting depressed and angry over the things I just can't do. I can't always be the mom who does fun things with her kids. I have to say no....a lot. I am mad that my kids aren't all at the same school. I can't do Halloween parties and parades and I get so dang jealous at people who can. Even volunteering is complicated because of all the different schedules. I have other moms I can turn to but no one else has walked my exact path, just as I have never walked theirs. I sometimes feel so guilty wishing the twins were normal. I know it's terrible and makes me a bad person, but it would be so much easier. I am always tired and sad. I feel like I am consantly on edge. Mostly, I wish I could be the mom my other boys need and deserve. I feel like I let them down a lot and I know it isn't fair to them. I really try to pretend we can run with "normal" families. But it wears me down. Literally.
We recently receieved an ADD diagnosis for Kyle and made the decision to put him on medication. It was the HARDEST deciscion we have ever made. The weeks surrounding that deciscion were so incrediebly hard. I really didn't tell anyone because I was so emberassed. I know what I have said in the past about people who medicated their kids. An, when I finally did tell people, I immediately felt judged. And it hurt. It was probably more my own perception, but it was still there. The advice and insinuations probably led to my feeling of being judged, even if they meant well.
The last few months have been so hard on me. I can't really pinpoint one major event. I just have felt more lonely than ever. I think it's mostly my own fault. I am pretty sure I have pushed people away. Maybe I thought it would be easier that way. I really don't know.
I am grateful for Jackson and Kyle. I'm even grateful for autism! It is making me a better person. I know it is making Austin and Collin even more amazing than they are. I think I just need t accept what is and let the rest go. It's a constant battle for me. But I think I am finally ready to do it.
2 comments:
Hang in there! You are doing a great job. I know it doesn't help much to say that it's part of the acceptance process to feel so much anger, hurt and pain. I don't think I believed it either when I was going through it and trust me there are days I still go through similar feelings. You know Kyle best and if he needs medication it is no one else's place to judge you for it. I am constantly being judged by a few family members for medicating my oldest for her bi-polar. Even my own husband doesn't understand it and her depression. It is hard to have two special needs kids. Your older ones will be able to look back on life and remember the good things. Big big hugs!
I comment here from time to time, I have twins who are one year older than your twins, to the day. They are doing fairly well right now, but their little sister is so hard. It's not autism, but I could have written exactly how you described your feelings - isolation, anger, frustration, not fitting in with other kids, but just wanting to be "normal.". Sometimes you just want to hide it and pretend everything is okay, sometimes you just want to tell everyone what is wrong so that maybe you'll stop feeling like people are judging you for your actions. I do not know how to make it all better, the one thing that has helped me lately is finally accepting that this is how she is, and this is how she's going to be, rather than keeping thinking that she should be "normal" and trying to get her to be so. Hang in there, you're right, you will all be better people because of your trials!
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