Pity Party-Table for 1

I have really tried to avoid this...but it has happened none the less. I thought I could handle summer break, I really did. But it has broken me. And I am left in a big heaping pile of sadness, fatigue and self-pity. Here is the plain and simple truth: Autism sucks! I have had plenty of people comment to me (and probably even more who have commeneted to themselves) something along the lines of "I can't believe Jackson is autistic" or "He really doesn't seem autistic to me." I have also had plenty of people give me their opinions on what I should and should not do for him. And it's finally become too much. I really tried to give my kids the best and most normal summer vacation that I could. We go to the movie every Monday. I try REALLY hard to make it through those few hours without breaking down. And I usually do....until we get home. Then all of the stress of taking Jackson to a movie comes crashing down on me. EVERYTHING we try and do is so much harder. I stress out about dropping one of my other kids off somewhere because I know what it is going to do to Jackson and I have to deal with it for the rest of the day. I wish I could say yes to my other kids more often, but I can't. Because it's too hard. I wish it were different, I wish they understood, I wish other people understood.


A friend recently said that maybe people say or think those things about Jackson because I do such a good job at holding it together. Maybe I should break down more often in public. Maybe I should tell the truth behind my "no's". Maybe I should not offer to serve others in church. Maybe I should say no more often. But the truth is, I already feel like a failure on so many levels. If I can't handle those simple things then what is wrong with me?!


I know I have people who are willing to help me. But they don't fully understand how very hard it all is. I don't think I even realized what Jackson's diagnosis would mean for me and the rest of our family. At the time, he was in school and someone else had to deal with him for a good chuck of the day. But now it is all on me. And I can't do it.


I absoultely love that kid. I love all my kids. I love being their mom. I love all the wonderful things they teach me. But I hate autism. I hate labels. I hate systems. I hate uncertainty. I hate having to try so hard. So, today I am cancelling our plans. I'm putting my sweats back on and turning on a movie. I'm not going to try and make magical memories for me kids today. Today they will learn that their mom is human. She hurts, she cries, she struggles. Hopefully tomorrow they will learn how strong she is.....