I really have been debating if this was something I wanted to post, but since this blog is serving as my journal, I figured I might as well. Besides, how can my friends offer me advice and encouragement if they don't know what is going on?!
So, here it goes...
I have been REALLY struggling lately. I find myself feeling angry, resentful and just plain unhappy about 95% of the time. I know why but I don't want to do what I have to do to fix it. Does that make sense?! I have held on to this anger for so long that I am almost afraid to let it go. Because that means I will be vulnerable and I don't like feeling like that. But I don't like being angry either. But being vulnerable opens me up to all kind of heartache that I just don't think I can handle.
Also, we live in a VERY affluent area. We are probably the poorest people in the ward. In most wards that would probably be okay. But it is very humbling here. We got paid today and realized we only have x amount of money to make it to our next pay day. And the x is not a lot. As you can imagine, this situation doesn't help with the above situation.
So, here it is....how do you make the changes in your life that you know you need to make when you are too scared to do it? The first steps just seem so lonely and I don't know if I can do it...
8 comments:
Baby steps! Start with something really easy...like,in my case, keeping my bed made everday for a week! Then then next week move it up to something a little harder (maybe the kitchen :)) Then the next week soemthing like no sugar, than maybe make a blog that only you can read and release all those feelings, then maybe confront one person a week(if it is a person causing the bad feelings. well I think you get it. Baby steps start small and woork up to the difficult thing! I love you and hope you get this worked out! You are strong and I know you can do it!!!! You have all my support!!!
Remember in this process that you are not ALONE! There is someone who is always there for you, even if you aren't turning to HIM. Your Heavenly Father loves you. He wants you to be happy. He knows you better than anyone else can! When life's challenged seem insurmountable, He is there to carry you and give you the added strength and FAITH you need to make it through. Letting go is NEVER easy, and I only tell you the following because I have experienced this in my own life. You need to let go of this anger, Beth. It could be your demise. I know you know it. When we hold on to angry, resentful feelings of another person, it literally is hurting us worse than them. Because, as we hold on to those feelings, we are slowly eating away at our Spirits. I know there is more to the story, Beth. I realize that it has been difficult for you, especially since your Aunt and Uncle moved. Remember that you also have the support of friends who know and love you.
I've also been having a hard time lately - we're so freaking poor that we just have to go where the money is, which has meant that we've only been home about 4 of the past 16 weeks. We've been staying with my mother-in-law. I've been so SO stressed out about everything - cars that aren't working and no money to fix/replace, baby that won't sleep through the night if she's not in her bed at home, bills that still aren't getting paid even tho we're working nonstop, people complaining about everything around me, not being a good mom, not being a good wife, not doing my calling, and the list goes on and on.... and not being in my own home makes it 100 times worse. I have little to no control over food, tv, chores, bedtime, quiet time, naps, visitors, etc. I feel like my life is falling in around me. (Sorry to complain, I just want you to know that you're not alone!) I loved Pres. Uchtdorf's talk in conference (Sat am) when he counseled us to "slow down a little, steady the course, and focus on the essentials when experiencing adverse conditions." It really reminded me to let go of the things that aren't THAT important and to re-focus. All the resentment I was feeling was being wasted. It was doing nothing to help me or my situation. I have since upped my efforts to pray and study daily. I keep telling myself to let go of the little things - blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape. I remember an object lesson - fill a cup with sand, then pebbles, then big rocks and there's no way it'll all fit. But start first with the big things, then add the next biggest thing, then let the sand filter in and around wherever it will fit. Find something that DOES bring you joy. Find something that DOES bring you peace. Focus on those as much as possible. Find catch phrases that can help you through. Tell yourself "I can roll with the punches" or "I will sing my way through trials" or "I can smile and find the good in EVERY situation." Whatever you need to be working on, tell yourself you can do it. Write it down and put it where you can see it. Tie a string around your finger to help you remember if you need to... Another quote from conference that helped me: "We become what we want to be by being what we want to be come every day." Sow a thought, reap an action, Sow an action reap a character, Sow a character, reap an eternal destiny. So plant those seeds in your thoughts of who you want to be. How would your hero deal with this - pretened to be her or him until you're through it, and you'll find that you can be exactly who the Lord is helping you become. The Lord tries those whom he loves. He will help you through it - he's helping me... =) And this has turned into a great pep-talk to myself... We all have to be re-reminded of these same things over and over and over again, so don't get down on yourself! Don't be angry about it. Life is about getting better. Every day getting better. And if today we didn't get better, than tomorrow we definitely will. It's not where you are, but the direction you're headed that's important. If it's too hard to run that way today, then simply turn your heart, then head, followed by your feet - you'll eventually be telling your kids all these same things, so be aware of what helps you most and write it down - it will help you, them, and others when the shoe's on the other foot (as it inevitably will be one day). And remember that we love you!
Wow, that was long. Sorry... =)
Oh Beth! I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I don't know exactly what you are going through, but, for me, when I was having my hardest time, the best thing for me to do was to look for the needs of others and lose myself in service. Prayer is also huge! Make sure you pray specifically and try to count your blessings--my sister-in-law does a "thankful" post every week and lists 5 things she is thankful for that week. Hang in there! Know that you are precious and loved! Let me know if there is anything I can do for you from so far away! Love ya girlie!
~Lisa
I really don't think that I can add anything that others haven't already said. Take a leap of faith and let the Lord guide you. Pray, pray, pray! Wear the knees out of all your pants. You can call me anytime. If you NEED anything (or your boys) let me know. Allow your friends to help you. I will keep you in my prayers. Love yah tons!
ahhahaaa...I have to laugh, because you and I are in a very similar boat. And here I thought I was all alone. We are coming up on two years of Kevin being out of work. I have literally had to provide for our family. It sucks looking at the bank account. It sucks even more when I think about all the "others" in my ward and how much bigger their account must surely be. The one thing that makes the biggest difference- not comparing our situation with others, but with our own. I have to focus on how far we have come in our short 6 years together. We have a long way to go before we are where I would like to be, but as long as I can focus on what I DO have and how FAR we have come together, I can make it through another day. Let's just say, that 3Nephi 13:25-34 has a very personal meaning to our family. Good luck and you are not alone!
Wow - thanks for being vulnerable and sharing Beth. I needed all these answers too. While some of the things I'm struggling with are different, some are the same. You are definitely not alone. Being a woman, a mormon woman, and a mom is tough. Hang in there.
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