4 years ago, our family changed forever. We added these two little angels to our home....
Jackson
KyleTheir birthday has become such a sweet reminder to me of how fragile life can be. They were born so small and had so many battles they had to face. I remember, very clearly, seeing them after they were born. I don't think I had ever been so scared before in my life. They had so many things hooked up to them and they looked so tiny in those little beds. It was scary. But it was beautiful at the same time.
I am going to admit something I have never admitted to before....I was DEVESTATED when I found out I was carrying twins. Totally devestated. I understood hoe overwhelming they would be and I knew the effect it would have on Austin and Collin. (who were just 5 and 3 at the time) I knew it would be an even bigger financial burden for us and I really didn't know how we were going to make it. I was angry....until I walked into that NICU for the first time. I cried at the sight of my poor babies. They were so helpless. Then I began to feel guilty. Maybe if I had followed doctors instructions better they wouldn't have come so early.
The next few weeks were agonizing. Leaving them in the hospital was one of the hardest things I have ever done. And everytime I wasn't there I felt guilty for not being there. And everytime I was there I felt guilty for not being at home. It was such a stressful and emotional time.
I did have my good cry last night. After I snuck in their room to watch them sleep. I am so grateful for these little guys. I love them more than I could ever possibly express. It's hard to believe that, at one time, I didn't want them. Because now I couldn't imagine my family without them.
I love you Jackson and Kyle! I hope you had a wonderful birthday! Maybe someday I won't be an emotional wreck on your birthday....but probably not!!
3 comments:
Oh Happy Birthday to your 2 youngest! How fun!
You know, I went through the same feelings when I found out I was preggo with Connor. Ethan was only 2 months old and I felt so bad that he didn't really get to be the baby. Oh Mommy guilt is so hard!
A touching and honest tribute. I think every mom has something she feels bad or guilty about. The important thing, I think is to just love them and do your best. And from what I can see - you are! Happy Bday to your little boys!
I agree, every mom feels guilty about something. And at one point does NOT want to be pregnant, or knows they are not ready for one (let alone two) more little ones! But what in the world would we do or be without our precious little ones!
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