Back to School

My munchkins all headed back to school today! My babies are in KINDERGARTEN!! Can you believe it?! I sure can't!! Because of their special needs they weren't able to attend our home school. And, unfortunately, they weren't able to place them at the same school with each other. So, I have 4 kids in 3 different schools. Good times! Austin is now in 5th grade!! Holy cow...that seems so old! And my sweet Collin is a big, old 3rd grader this year!The morning went pretty well except for Kyle got forgotten by the bus driver so we ended up taking him. He was pretty late on his first day! I'm hoping they all have a great first day back and I am pretty sure they will all be really tired when they get home!!

Austin

Collin

Jackson

 Kyle

 My sweet, little Kindergartners



My handsome boys!

Happy 5th Birthday Boys!

Jackson and kyle are turning 5 today! FIVE!!! Where has the time gone?! I mean really? Has it really been 5 years ago that they entered this world, way too early?

 

And it seems like just yesterday we were celebrating their 1st birthday....

And, before I knew it, they were turning 2....

 

Then, I must have blinked because they turned 3....

And then all of a sudden they were 4!!

And now they are 5!!

I love these little guys so much! I am so grateful for all they teach me! This has been a crazy year for them full of lots of changes. I know they are going to have a great upcoming year too!! They are so wonderful and I feel blessed to be their mom! Happy Birthday boys!!

Pity Party-Table for 1

I have really tried to avoid this...but it has happened none the less. I thought I could handle summer break, I really did. But it has broken me. And I am left in a big heaping pile of sadness, fatigue and self-pity. Here is the plain and simple truth: Autism sucks! I have had plenty of people comment to me (and probably even more who have commeneted to themselves) something along the lines of "I can't believe Jackson is autistic" or "He really doesn't seem autistic to me." I have also had plenty of people give me their opinions on what I should and should not do for him. And it's finally become too much. I really tried to give my kids the best and most normal summer vacation that I could. We go to the movie every Monday. I try REALLY hard to make it through those few hours without breaking down. And I usually do....until we get home. Then all of the stress of taking Jackson to a movie comes crashing down on me. EVERYTHING we try and do is so much harder. I stress out about dropping one of my other kids off somewhere because I know what it is going to do to Jackson and I have to deal with it for the rest of the day. I wish I could say yes to my other kids more often, but I can't. Because it's too hard. I wish it were different, I wish they understood, I wish other people understood.


A friend recently said that maybe people say or think those things about Jackson because I do such a good job at holding it together. Maybe I should break down more often in public. Maybe I should tell the truth behind my "no's". Maybe I should not offer to serve others in church. Maybe I should say no more often. But the truth is, I already feel like a failure on so many levels. If I can't handle those simple things then what is wrong with me?!


I know I have people who are willing to help me. But they don't fully understand how very hard it all is. I don't think I even realized what Jackson's diagnosis would mean for me and the rest of our family. At the time, he was in school and someone else had to deal with him for a good chuck of the day. But now it is all on me. And I can't do it.


I absoultely love that kid. I love all my kids. I love being their mom. I love all the wonderful things they teach me. But I hate autism. I hate labels. I hate systems. I hate uncertainty. I hate having to try so hard. So, today I am cancelling our plans. I'm putting my sweats back on and turning on a movie. I'm not going to try and make magical memories for me kids today. Today they will learn that their mom is human. She hurts, she cries, she struggles. Hopefully tomorrow they will learn how strong she is.....

Golden Scholar

The last week of school, Austin received a Golden Scholar Award. This is an award for kids grades 4-6 who recieved all A's and B's on their report cards throughout the year. Proud mom point...Austin was the only kid in his class who receieved the award who also is pulled for both Math and Reading ALP. (Advanced Learning Placement) We are so proud of Austin and all he has accomplished so far. Hopefully he keeps it up :)

Austin with his classmates

Receiving his award from his teacher

Austin with his teacher, Mrs. Schock

Arrow of Light

Austin was able to complete the Scouting requirements to earn his Webelos badge and to recive his Arrow of Light. I was really proud of him for getting it all done so quickly! Now it is time to start on all those requirements so he can, one day, receieve his Eagle!

Pinning on his Webelos award

The boys who received their Arrow of Light

Logan, Austin and Jason

Bridge to Scouting....

Did anyone miss me?!

Man, have I missed being able to blog!! We were trying to cut spending and decided to go without a home phone andhome internet for awhile. I could never figure out how to blog from my phone! So, after a lot of discussion, we decided to restore home internet and phone service and I am so glad! And now I can blog again! I am going to try and do some catching up!! And, eventaully, I will figure out how to change my background. (Dang blogger!) Anyway, I wanted to write about our first offical camping trip as a family!! We went on a quick overnight trip during spring break. We weren't sure how the twins would do since we hadn't ever taken them before, so I didn't want to plan a LONG trip for our first attempt! But, like usual, the twins surprised me and we all had a GREAT time!! Here are a few pictures...

Ready to go! We shoved a lot of stuff in our van!!

Hanging in the tent!

Aren't they cute?!

Love this picture! The water was pretty cold! Next time we will take fishing poles!

Campfire!!

The best part...roasting marshmallows!

Collin

Kyle

Austin

Jackson

Fun times in the tent!! This was one of my favorite parts of the whole trip!

Jackson in the morning

Kyle was wide awake!!

Austin

Collin was still a little sleepy

The grieving process

I know I am not the only mother who has gone through this whole ugly diagnosis process. But there have been countless times in the last few days that have left me feeling completely and utterly alone. Most of the time life goes on just as normal as can be. And then, out of nowhere, it hits me. All the fears, worries and self-doubt come rearing their ugly head. I have been told by several people that I will go through a grieving process. I will need to grieve over the child I thought I had. This sounded so mean to me st first. But I think I am beginning to understand what they meant. Very few things in Jackson's life will be normal. Which means the same for the rest of us. How is that fair to my other kids? It's all so much to take in. And I often find myself feeling as awful, sad, depressed, etc. as I did the day we read the words "autistic disorder." Will it ever get easier? When does this grieving process end? And then what will take its place?

Autism

This has been a rough day. But it's one we have been anticipating/dreading for awhile. Today we received an autism diagnosis for Jackson. I won't go into many specifics, but I had a feeling that there was more going on with Jackson for awhile. Both twins have developmental delays that are common with preemies and twins. But there seemed to be more challenges for Jackson. He has a really hard time with changes. And I mean a really hard time. He struggles with loud noises, weird textures and making friends. He can't look anyone in the eye, he sleeps on the floor and suffers from extreme anxiety. It was hard to hear the words "Jackson has autistic disorder." But it was also a relief. I suppose only a few people will truly understand what that is like. It's a hard thing to want there to be something "wrong" with your child. It's hard to have your child labeled. But it means now I have something to use in my fight to get him what he needs. And I plan to fight! But for today, I am still feeling sad. And I have decided that it is okay for me top be sad. Let our new journey begin....

8 is GREAT!!

Collin had a BIG birthday this year! He turned 8!! The kids were still on winter break on his actual birthday, which was nice! He had a couple of different celebrations. Here are some pictures from them....

Collin wanted pancakes and bacon for dinner. How easy is that?! I had to make him a special "8" pancake though!

And he had to have a cookie cake! These are become favorites at our house and I am so thankful!

Another Lego set! Because he didn't get enough for Christmas....

Family party at the park and another cookie cake!!

We got him a very special book. Everyone else got him money. He definately prefered the money!


He also had a friend over to play for another little party! Collin is so simple and so easy to please! He wanted his best friend to come over to watch a movie and have pizza. Gotta love it!!

Of course, the most important part of your 8th birthday is....




Your Baptism Day. More on this soon....

Christmas....finally!

Um...yea. I am a blog slacker! I have no excuses except for the fact I have been crazy busy. But, for posterity purposes I feel like I need to back track a little and document some things that have happened over the last month. So, we'll start with Christmas!

We had a great Christmas. I really enjoyed having Christmas on a Sunday. Although we did have to wake our kids up! Some of the favorite gifts the boys got from Santa was a PS3, a Thomas set, a Toy Story set and some Harry Potter Legos. The highlight for me? Watching them watch the brother that they picked out a gift for open it! It was cute!! Here are a few pictures....